I’m so upset with the Oscars. Not only did Paul Thomas Anderson win nothing (ok, so the Coen brothers were cool but he’s the milkshake man! And how hot did he look!), there were so few fashion disasters. I’m no fashion pundit which is precisely why I demand my pound of organza/crinolene/whatever at things like the Oscars. What the hell is the point of a celebrity event if you can’t point fingers at stars and revel in how ghastly they look while you sit around in your jammies? Things were so abysmally fashionable that even Go Fug Yourself found only three candidates. I mean, Paul Dano wore Prada. Paul Dano.
Jessica Alba looked gorgeous and so darn tasteful it was disgusting. This is a woman who thought “Rise of the Silver Surfer” was a good script. What business has she looking all elegant? Katherine Heigl clearly couldn’t breath in her dress – hence the asthmatic presentation of the Best Make-up award – but her seams didn’t split and she did get all her words out. Julie Christie’s dress had more wrinkles than her face (another one bites the Botox; I suppose she didn’t have enough to do her hands and hence the gloves) but her crushed red dress looked nice enough. George Clooney’s girlfriend looked a bit like she was wearing gift-wrapping paper but hello, she’s also wearing Clooney on her arm. Who the hell cares about what the rest of her body is wearing? Jennifer Hudson’s dress made her breasts look like one big oyster shell but what the heck? It was white and the line of the skirt was beautifully fluid. Heidi Klum had an absolute stunner of a red dress. Not sure why she bothered, unless the train of her dress was the red carpet itself….
Admittedly, Helen Mirren did look a bit like a bottle of tomato ketchup and Cate Blanchett, glowing as she was, did wear a dress whose skirt looked as though it had splattered puked on it. Or that a giant pigeon with diarrhoea had crapped on it. But who sees the dress unless they’re going up on stage? Her only chance of exposing that skirt was taken from her by Tilda Swinton who totally gladdened every dumpy viewer’s heart with the nifty number that combined a kaftan with a cheong sam. Or maybe one of her sleeves got caught in the limo as it drove away. Whatever it was, it was definitely made of the same plastic that lines my garbage can. The fact that she looked like Eric Stoltz’s long lost twin didn’t help.
Diablo Cody, with her infamous million dollar shoes, was definitely a little strange in her flowy leopard-printed sheath whose slit she kept trying to unslit. But then again, we saw JLo wearing that green handkerchief so Cody’s chiffon confectionery felt quite tame. Marion Cotillard’s dress wasn’t half bad either although someone tell Gaultier that he doesn’t need to make concentric circles on breasts to clue us in on where the nipples are. We know. Even in India, we know. The one that the ladies at Go Fug Yourself did miss was Rebecca Miller. Either she has two dogs who have won prizes at dog shows or she knows someone who has two prize-winning dogs. If it’s someone she knows, then I hope they saw the Oscars because Ms. Miller’s dress tries to cunningly disguise doggie medals as straps. There was also a brooch on her dress that will be rented by the crew of the next James Bond movie as the weapon of mass destruction. Plus, she wore black and white striped shoes. Actually, the shoes could be kinda cool, come to think of it.
All photographs courtesy Oscar.com’s red carpet gallery.