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Sometimes, I love New York Magazine. The Vulture on a review of Coldplay’s new album Viva La Vida, or Death and All His Friends

According to The Sun‘s Gordon Smart, the world’s first critic to review Coldplay’s upcoming Viva La Vida, or Death and All His Friends, the record is “the biggest album of the year — possibly the decade.” Also, Chris Martin & Co. have “pushed the boundaries of what we expect from an album” and created something “as heavy-going as the Bible but ultimately as rewarding.”

Additionally, the new Coldplay album will cure cancer, solve the energy crisis, and bring 2Pac back to life. Viva La Vida can beat a computer at chess. The simple act of playing it once on your home stereo will increase the value of your property by $100,000, regardless of the quality of nearby public schools or overall trends in the real-estate market. Upon hearing its glorious first tones, all the world’s terrorists will lay down their arms and take up baking, channeling their anti-Americanism into the most delicious cookies you’ve ever tasted. And if we all listen to the new Coldplay album, close our eyes, and wish hard enough, there will be peace on earth, no more hunger, and Gordon Smart will never again be allowed to review another CD as long as we all shall live.

Viva la Vida should be out in June.

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