In a couple of hours, this blog will be exactly one year old. Over the past 12 months, there have been about 29,700 hits from all over the world, which is quite something when you keep in mind that the blog began with precisely 5 readers. Particularly astounding is the fact that a number of the 29,700 didn’t get here courtesy Stumbleupon but actually meant to reach this blog. I know this because not only did they arrive but these kind readers sent emails asking me questions. Most of the hits, unsurprisingly, are the result of misguided searches and looking at the search terms that have led people this way, I’ve noted a pattern which hasn’t enlightened me in any way but has left me with much sympathy for those who, for instance, have landed up here as a result of Googling for “Bollywood wet sari” (52 hits thanks to that one). So for my blog-birthday celebrations, I’ve decided to answer questions and point stumblers in the right direction. First, the Q & A session.
Question: Are you a man or a woman?
Apparently I write with “masculine vigour”. I didn’t know anyone used phrases like “masculine vigour” unless they were describing a dashing Mills & Boon hero but there you have it. More disturbingly, every time I read that phrase, in my head I see the video of “I’m too Sexy” with the beefcake baldies of Right Said Fred strutting down the catwalk. Word association games aside, I’d like to imagine that this post makes it pretty clear whether I tick the M or F box in forms, even in this gender-bending era.
Question: There’s more than one of you writing this blog, isn’t there?
Er, just because I wrote about multiple personalities doesn’t mean I have them. It would certainly make life simpler on occasion. For example, I spent most of this evening being told I’m an idiot and I have no taste. If I had Dissociative Identity Disorder, I could have turned into Chuck Norris, beat the crap out of my critics and then returned to being my docile self. Instead I’m here, sulking while writing a blog post. So no, there isn’t anyone else who writes here.
Question: Who made you the authority on all the things that you write about?
No one, obviously. Why do you think I’m writing my opinions on a blog? Because when anyone raises the above question, I can smoothly ignore it. Ha!
Question: Have you ever considered doing podcasts?
And how, kind sir, would you suggest I do that while continuing to be a credible Anon?
Question: You’re the Anon and On credited for the Borderland LP? Are you still based in Edinburgh?
No, I’m not related to Jimmy Miller and my exposure to Edinburgh is limited to a couple of Hogmanays and some rather drunken nights at a bar called Frankenstein. But click on his name and you’ll find his MySpace.
Question: Would you mind signing off with your real name?
Yes. Because I would a) like to not have to change the title of this blog, b) prefer it if you walked around Mumbai thinking I could be anywhere, at any time, watching you. *whips cape around self and slinks away* Insert shpooky music here.
Now the search terms. All these searches have led more than 50 people to this blog.
SEARCH: “My wife and I went to a wife swapping party in Mulund” I’m really stunned by this. As much because it’s very difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea of wife-swapping parties being organised in the suburb of Mulund as for the fact that someone figures Googling will get them access to such parties. Sorry, sirs, no can help.
SEARCH: “dog dressed like a hunter” Umm… nope, I don’t think that is ever going to show up on this blog.
SEARCH: “gorilla showering” I have a feeling you’re the one who asked about the dog. This tendency to anthropomorphise animals is a bit disturbing.
SEARCH: “Bollywood wet sari” It is indeed an august tradition in the Indian movie business but my interest in movies isn’t quite sartorial. You’ll have better luck if you look up Mandakini from “Ram Teri Ganga Maili” or Sridevi from “Mr. India”.
SEARCH: “”Siddharth Khosla” married??” Not that I know of but he does have a girlfriend. Admittedly he’s a bit geeky but does the idea of him being married merit two question marks? Surely it’s not that shocking?
SEARCH: “srinivasan jain girlfriend” Fer crying out loud, he’s married. Don’t believe all the movies about romance in the news room.
SEARCH: “arnab goswami + Gulmohar park” What is this unhealthy obsession with news anchors? No, he lives in Bandra. I know this because I’ve seen him getting a facial at Freeda’s Beauty Salon. Yes, that’s what his mug looks like post-facial.
SEARCH: “people wearing Mario” Like a T-shirt? That’s got to be tough on Mario, whoever he is. I’m not sure what could help with this but Cymroza Art Gallery tells me that they’re going to have a fantastic exhibition of cartoons by Mario Miranda in about a fortnight.
SEARCH: “rehan engineer hot” Hell, yes. But he’s also got a boyfriend. Ah cruel, cruel world…
SEARCH: “ladyboy sexy bar Mumbai” Once upon a time, Voodoo had a reputation for this sort of thing but that’s in the past, I’m told. However, I do see a fair number on S.V. Road after 11 o’clock particularly on Fridays and Saturdays.
SEARCH: “ezra koenig tall” I’ve no idea but I suspect so, judging from photographs. Perhaps you could channel your energies towards getting me to meet Vampire Weekend, because then I’ll let you know how tall he is. Since my plans involve eloping with Rostam, you have no fear that I’ll have any designs on Ezra.
SEARCH: “hot mallu bangla” Lose your illusions, child. There can be no such thing. Not with that genetic cocktail. The only way a Malayali-Bengali person will be hot is if you plonk them in peak equatorial summer heat without airconditioning.
SEARCH: “mallu gujrath” The only combination worse than the above.
SEARCH: “tamil kama” Just the idea of it gives me the heebie-jeebies but if you’re determined, schmooze over to the Dev.D website and click on Lustline. Be warned – “aiyo” is supposedly sex talk.
SEARCH: “rostam batmanglij parsee” I wish, because then the chances of a Bombay connection would have been significantly higher. But no. He’s of Iranian descent.
Being a little on the weirder side, I’ve actually tried to get to my blog by searching for these terms and on most occasions, I’ve failed. How you all managed is beyond me (clearly, if you go beyond page 7 of search results, you’ve got too much free time on your hands) but kudos to you for getting here and for those who came back, thanks for all the clicks.