It was about two and a half hours ago that I went to sleep, and I’ve been up for about 30 minutes. Why? Because I really, really wanted to catch the Oscars’ red carpet with the least possible ad breaks. Sony Pix had Ryan Seacrest, that Osborne girl and Seacrest’s usual Oscar companion, Giuliana something or the other. On Star Movies, there was Rajeev Masand. My heart just broke for the man. I mean, this guy is supposed to be one of the nation’s top movie critics and there he is, trying to do a Ryan Seacrest. After seeing Masand struggle to do his interviews with the various Hollywood hotties, I’ve come to the realisation that the red carpet is one of those places where it’s actually better to be a brainless bimbo. Masand set two tasks for himself: ask smart questions and make sure at least the top of his hair made it to the bottom of the frame. He managed both but almost no one is in any state of mind to do a proper interview. Geoffrey Rush looked like he’d prefer it if Masand punched his face rather than make him answer questions. Mark Wahlberg stayed on camera for all of seven seconds. It was pretty tragic.
But on to my favourite part and the reason why I’m up at this hour (who cares about the actual awards show? Especially this year when it’s so totally predictable): the red carpet! Or, one of those moments in time when I feel good about my jammies and mushroom-cloud hair because heck, look what the million-dollar earning actress spent a fortune on for the Oscars.
Jennifer Lawrence: Why did no one tell her that in all her mid-range shots, she’s going to look like she’s in Baywatch? Because really, that red and that neckline is exactly what Pamela Anderson’s swimsuit looked like in that show.
Ann Hathaway: “Hm, let’s see now. I’m basically a lovely-looking woman. What should I wear to the Oscars? Let me pick the dress that manages to make my breasts look like they dried up, shrivelled like very small dried apricots. And when I’m actually presenting the show, I can change into that frothy white nightgown I stole from The Princess Diaries shoot and wear a shiny back brace on top of it.”
Mila Kunis: Nice colour and great job with the double-sided tape, which is the only thing that can create that kind of a cleavage. But why on earth would you want to wear something that looks like shredded drapes?
Melissa Leo: She’s actually wearing a HEEOOGE paper doily.Which has foil underneath it.
Michelle Williams: Ah the dress of a thousand spitballs. Super.
Hailee Steinfeld: She’d look cute if she didn’t look like she was in serious pain. If you look down, then you’ll realise why. Those aren’t heels, they’re stilts. No wonder she’s more hobbling than walking.
Virginia Madsen: Love this woman but god help her, she’s actually just stitched two shaggy bathmats together to make a dress.
Cate Blanchett: Another goddess on most occasions but seriously, what is that? She’s wearing an embroidering hoop around her torso. Plus, there’s a weird yellow stain around the back neckline, like someone was careless with the highlighter.
Scarlett Johansson: The only question is whether she stole draperies from the same house that Mila Kunis did to make her dress, because I can sort of see the two materials hanging against each other.
Helen Bonham Carter: Looks, well, normal. Velvety corset, all black, only mildly-crazy hair. What a disappointment.
Natalie Portman: So pretty and highly supportive of her friends, James Franco and Ann Hathaway (who, incidentally, may well be the worst hosts EVER.)
Penelope Cruz: While it is a relief to see an actress who doesn’t miraculously shrink to size zero after delivering a baby, that is one seriously Big-Mama bosom. Whoa.
Reese Witherspoon: Cute-ish. If only I could stop wondering whether there’s a Playboy bunny tail attached to her bottom.
Helen Mirren: Lovely as usual. A woman that can make puffed sleeves work.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, whaddyaknow. I finally like something Ms. Fishstick is wearing. Ok, so it’s a bit Star Trek-y, but it looks so beautifully shimmery when she moves. Only someone as flat as her can pull off that neckline and make it look almost demure. Nicely done.
Annette Bening: Chainmail meets disco ball?
Sandra Bullock: That isn’t a dress; that’s moulded plastic, and there’s about an inch between her breasts and the dress.
Noted: Lots of huge bouffants, including one on Sharon Stone (seriously scary look, by the way) that was bigger than her entire face. And frothy skirts (Marisa Tomei, Hilary Swank and Halle Berry).
You can see most of these ladies on Vulture’s slideshow here. Bottom line: I miss Cher (hence the photo.)