Eavesdropping in a Bandra Coffee Shop,

Or, Why I’ve Less Drunk and More Choked on the Cup of Coffee I Got this Evening.

“What the hell? Have you heard of this film? Dam 999. Random Tamil or Mallu film. Came out of bloody nowhere and now it’s gone and got shortlisted for best song and best soundtrack for the Oscars.”

“Really? That southie film? About some stupid dam bursting?”

“You know it?”

“There was something on the news about it a couple of months ago. I remember because I was watching it while masturbating.”



“I don’t understand.”

“I was masturbating. The tv was on. That Dam 999 was on tv. The anchor’s got a sexy voice.”

“Are you fucking with me?”

“Nope. The anchor really did have a sexy voice. Then they started playing bits of the film so I put it on mute and, well, got on with the job at hand, if you know what I mean.”

“Fuck. That’s brilliant. [Pause] So if I organise a screening of my film, will you put it on mute and masturbate?”

“More to the point, if just masturbating is getting films Oscar nominations, imagine what’ll happen if I actually have sex!”

Incidentally, “Dam 999” has not received an Oscar nomination (yet; who knows what may happen if the person at the table behind me keeps masturbating), but it has been shortlisted by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.