All days should begin with discoveries like this. Have you seen Wrong Hands? No? Well, you should click to it pronto, particularly if you like puns. Some are hilarious, a few are silly and most of them are very funny. For obvious reasons, one of my favourites is this one:
Though I have to say, the literature geek in me approved of these two too:
Lots of fun stuff on Atkinson’s blog.
Now, I’ve long envied the kind of spam Tin Roof Press gets. Years ago, a few companies urged me to consider making my penis larger but that’s all in the past. Of the 97 spam messages sitting in my email right now, there are offers for a Panasonic grooming kit, “cool mobile n watch discounts!!!”, emails (subject line: Congratulations!) from people like Isla Wright, Liver Dwas, Nella Leola and Rhona Wood, and a missive from one Bryce Lackey that plaintively wails, “I wanna buy”. In my inbox, however, for once, there is something far more interesting and it isn’t spam. “New Line of Conceptual Sex Toys” says the email’s subject from a sender I recognise. No exclamation marks. No eyebrow-raising name. Direct. Simple. Unvarnished. They had me at “conceptual”.
They’re called “the smile makers” and there’s four of them. The Fireman: “A hard-nosed happiness gadget with flaps for extra stimulation.” The Frenchman: “A super-soft glee contraption to tease all external erogenous zones.” The Millionaire: “A bullet-type joy creator that can be used internally as well as externally.” The Tennis-Coach: “A smile maker for g-spot stimulation.” Helpfully, the, er, knobby tip of The Tennis Coach looks like a tennis ball. Just in case you got confused about with whom you were dallying around.
And, as if this wasn’t enough reason to love a company, Smile Makers has a Fantasy Man Generator (which includes one woman among its options), which is absolute joy. Bull-tamer Fernando, Jungle Wayne, Boudoir Barry, Party Maximus, Hot Tub Dick… the options are many and soul-gladdening. I’ve spent the last 15 minutes doing this. It is entirely pointless behaviour. For some reason, just when it struck me I should take screen-caps, my computer has mulishly decided that Bull-tamer Fernando is the only fantasy worth generating. I can’t decide whether I like him better with a book or with a teddy bear.